Being Committed but Not Obsessed

Possibly the biggest hurdle I deal with in trying to commit to focusing on getting my weight back down is my tendency toward unhealthy obsession. I need to track the amount of protein I get each day - my target is 75 - 115 grams per day - and calories, which I am trying to keep right around 1200. I have to track it to be sure I'm actually ingesting what I need to be, but I start going a little nutty with it. I find myself not eating all day, because it's easier to NOT eat then figure out the amount of calories and protein in something all the time. This results in me being extremely hungry at night, and if I've been particularly active I actually get so lightheaded that I feel faint. At that point I eat whatever is handy, and it's usually not the best thing to eat. Recently I walked to work, which is about three and a half miles, and it didn't even occur to me to eat before. About an hour into work I got dizzy, shaky, and my heart was racing. I had to run to the back and get something out of the vending machine. I ended up eating two granola bars, which wasn't TERRIBLE, but the granola bars in the vending machine are high in carbs, calories, and fat, and low in protein, so they would never be part of my diet had I planned otherwise.

I've downloaded My Fitness Pal to my phone to make it easy to keep track of food and exercise, and am hoping I can use it as a motivator rather than a torture device intended to drive me mad. I'm only buying things that are reasonable at the grocery store, so that when I do get crazy cravings or have to eat something quickly I don't have an unhealthy option. I have the luxury of only buying food for myself, and not having to keep tempting foods around for other family members.

The key for me has always been planning. If I plan what I'm going to eat ahead of time, there isn't space for bad in-the-moment decisions. Keeping things like string cheese and berries on hand help immensely. It also helps avoid that stress over figuring out nutrition information on the fly. I need to get my food scale out and actually use it. Though it annoys me to have extra things kept on the kitchen counter, I'm thinking of keeping it on the counter so it is always handy.

I'm so envious of people that can eat what they want, when they want, and don't have to constantly think about calories and protein!

Finding My Way

I had Roux-En-Y gastric bypass surgery in January 2009. On the day of surgery, I weighed nearly 400 pounds, and had a total weight loss of 170 pounds. Prior to surgery I had very out of control Type II Diabetes (taking the maximum dose of three different oral medications, injecting short acting insulin three times a day, and a long acting insulin at bedtime), high blood pressure, high cholesterol (in particular, dangerously elevated triglycerides), pain all over, intense GERD, and severe obstructive sleep apnea. I went off of my diabetes and blood pressure medications prior to surgery, and never had to go back. My diabetes was basically resolved immediately. My blood pressure and cholesterol are now IDEAL, and after about a 60 pound weight loss I was able to get rid of the CPAP machine I used to sleep at night. The massive weight loss gave me a new start. I felt I had about 40 pounds left to lose at my lowest weight, and was still working toward that. I'm not sure when I stopped.

This past week I had my four year anniversary, and I had to take a hard look at myself. I have had a 50 pound weight gain since my lowest weight post-surgery. One night I had this almost physical "gut feeling" that I was at a crossroads. I need to pick the right path. A couple of things converged at once to really hit me over the head that my current state isn't acceptable. At the same time that my surgery anniversary was drawing near, I saw an interview with Al Roker. He also had the surgery, had a similar weight loss, and a similar weight regain. It's crucial that I make myself accountable, by being aware of what I'm putting in my mouth and focusing on moving more. Starting a blog is another way to say what is going on and hold myself accountable to myself for how I'm really living. Instead of telling myself that I'll do better, but always at some future unspecified time, I need to actually DO better.

I've had a lot of people tell me that instead of beating myself up, I should focus on the weight I HAVE lost rather than the weight I've regained. I understand that thinking, but it's not working. I NEED to beat myself up a little bit. I NEED to focus on the weight I've gained. I am much healthier than I was four years ago, but that's not good enough. I'm headed in the wrong direction. After I had surgery I was astounded that anyone ever gained weight back after a high risk surgery and the hard work post-surgery. It's not an easy road. Yet, here I am.

I refuse to be complacent. I refuse to stay here.