Finding My Way

I had Roux-En-Y gastric bypass surgery in January 2009. On the day of surgery, I weighed nearly 400 pounds, and had a total weight loss of 170 pounds. Prior to surgery I had very out of control Type II Diabetes (taking the maximum dose of three different oral medications, injecting short acting insulin three times a day, and a long acting insulin at bedtime), high blood pressure, high cholesterol (in particular, dangerously elevated triglycerides), pain all over, intense GERD, and severe obstructive sleep apnea. I went off of my diabetes and blood pressure medications prior to surgery, and never had to go back. My diabetes was basically resolved immediately. My blood pressure and cholesterol are now IDEAL, and after about a 60 pound weight loss I was able to get rid of the CPAP machine I used to sleep at night. The massive weight loss gave me a new start. I felt I had about 40 pounds left to lose at my lowest weight, and was still working toward that. I'm not sure when I stopped.

This past week I had my four year anniversary, and I had to take a hard look at myself. I have had a 50 pound weight gain since my lowest weight post-surgery. One night I had this almost physical "gut feeling" that I was at a crossroads. I need to pick the right path. A couple of things converged at once to really hit me over the head that my current state isn't acceptable. At the same time that my surgery anniversary was drawing near, I saw an interview with Al Roker. He also had the surgery, had a similar weight loss, and a similar weight regain. It's crucial that I make myself accountable, by being aware of what I'm putting in my mouth and focusing on moving more. Starting a blog is another way to say what is going on and hold myself accountable to myself for how I'm really living. Instead of telling myself that I'll do better, but always at some future unspecified time, I need to actually DO better.

I've had a lot of people tell me that instead of beating myself up, I should focus on the weight I HAVE lost rather than the weight I've regained. I understand that thinking, but it's not working. I NEED to beat myself up a little bit. I NEED to focus on the weight I've gained. I am much healthier than I was four years ago, but that's not good enough. I'm headed in the wrong direction. After I had surgery I was astounded that anyone ever gained weight back after a high risk surgery and the hard work post-surgery. It's not an easy road. Yet, here I am.

I refuse to be complacent. I refuse to stay here.